Married Single Moms - Shh! It's a Secret!

I was in Georgia during the second weekend of November and had the privilege of doing a workshop on Married Single Moms. How exciting!

One of the things that came up is the fact that most Married Single Moms keep the same secret. They don’t let other people know when their husbands are gone. Some park a vehicle on the driveway to let people know the house is occupied, others have Dad’s come over once in a while to make sure that others see a man around. For some it is a safety issue.

Others don’t let anyone know because they’ve been hurt when they talk about their struggles being alone so much while their hubby is away. It’s just easier to keep quiet than to ask for help.

For this reason many people in our churches, workplaces, even families don’t know or understand the situations we live in. Because of that their expectations of us are unrealistic, we don’t have their empathy or sympathy when things get rough, and we have no safe places to go when we feel we can’t go on.

Another thing that came up from the wonderful ladies who chatted with me after the session is how many women, both married and single parents, never ever thought about how a husband’s career affects a family except for the obvious economics.

When a woman tells you her husband works on an oil rig, or as an undercover police officer, you might have dollar signs dancing in your head rather than the long, lonely days and nights she faces alone. It doesn’t dawn on most people that their marriage will automatically be under a greater strain, their children will need external male input, and that this Mama is probably severely fatigued.

I had two single moms come talk with me. They came together. One of them honestly confessed that she had never realized that there might be women with wedding rings who are in the same boat she is in. She also said she’d fallen into the belief that having a husband fixes everything. She’d never considered that although tragedy took her husband away from her family permanently, a career can take a husband away indefinitely. She said to me, “At least I have closure.”

How can we close an open door? We don’t. And we don’t want to.

As Married Single Moms we need to be honest with our friends and family. We need to ask for help when we need it. We need to be strong when we are misunderstood. We need to reach out to those around us regardless of marital status. We need to let the world – and the church – know that Married Single Moms are carrying a heavy load… but we will not give up. We will pray for our husbands, support their God-given callings and raise our children as best we can while they are away.

Do you keep your husband’s absences a secret? Do you have a friend who doesn’t let you know when her hubby is out of town? Do you know a Married Single Mom? What do you/can you/ have you done to lighten her load?

In my next post I’m going to broach the subject of the effect of Daddy’s absence on our kids.

Don’t forget to leave a comment – you’ll be entered into the contest. If you subscribe to receive this by email you will also be entered!

Blog Tour - It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life

Welcome to all my regular readers and all those who are stopping by on the 'It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life' Blog Tour!

Check this out - It's an excerpt from the book:

Learning to Ask

Ask and it will be given to you .- Luke 11:9

"I'm leaving in the morning on a business trip," said my Bible study partner as she hurried away. "I hope my daughter has my clothes ironed when I get home."

"That’d be nice. Did you ask her to help you get things ready?" I asked.


"No, but I'm praying she'll think of it on her own and have it done.”


Some of us harbor the misconception that we’re selfish to ask directly for what we need or want. We may avoid verbalizing our expectations while unconsciously trying to induce the response we want with silent prayer. This can lead to continual disappointment—that others don’t really understand us or try to meet our needs.

"What do you want from me?" Jesus asked two blind men. It was a direct question and the men didn’t hedge their response. In fact, they intentionally put themselves in a position to be heard by Jesus. “We want to see,” they replied honestly. (see Matthew 20:29-34)


Perhaps you’ve been conditioned to avoid the words I want. Maybe you believe that if you have to ask, it ruins everything. Yet Jesus says, "Ask, and it shall be given you." Relating our needs and desires is not unspiritual. God invites us to be up-front with each other and with Him.

Lord, I’ve sometimes withheld vital information about myself

in the false belief that I’m being more considerate and spiritual.

Please teach me the skills of healthy communication

.

Make It Personal: Maybe you neglect to ask directly because you fear the answer. But another's response isn’t your responsibility. What will you ask this week?

I have to say that this blog tour comes at a very interesting time. Over the last few years I've recognized in myself some strong tendencies to think it's my job to make everyone else happy, to fix their problems and to make sure that I never have any. I'm hesitant to ask for help and I feel like a failure when I do.

I'm happy to say... I'm getting better. Slowly!

I'm learning to say no to somethings and to slow down when necessary to make sure I don't burn out. Just this week I took a few days to rest and relax at a friend's house while she was away. Time away from the kids, away from the phone (well... I did get a few calls on my cell), away from the computer (that's why there were no posts this week!), away from homeschool books and kids, away from dishes, cleaning and all the other stuff that just seems to pile up.

When my husband was gone almost all the time I think I actually knew how to take care of myself better than when he's in again/out again like he is these days. When he was away for weeks at a time I knew I HAD to take care of me because nobody else would. When he's gone here and there, on again, off again, I almost feel guilty. I feel like I should be ALL there for my kids when he's gone and ALL there for him when he's home.

And so I'm learning to go away myself. Thankfully I have friends and relatives who don't mind me crashing, sleeping, writing and hanging out at their houses when I escape life and take care of me.

But it's one thing to take a break. It's another thing entirely to deal with the root issues... why do we so many times feel like we need that Wonderful Perfect Life?

Here is a bit of an interview with Joan C. Webb, the author, on the topic of... her book!

Q: Why did you write It’s A Wonderful (Imperfect) Life? Does this topic hit close to home for you?
A: I remember the day I sat in my office, surrounded by the ever-present piles of papers and files. When the phone rang and the caller asked for the name, address, and purpose of our company, I blanked-out. Completely. Don’t know how I ended that call. But I did decide I needed help. I soon discovered that I was severely burned out. When I dug past the burnout, I discovered a defective pattern of misconceptions. I believed I must make all things right for everyone who crossed my whirlwind path. I thought I must appear perfect for others to be attracted to my God. I believed it was my duty to see that my husband was always happy, healthy and satisfied with life. I had lost the “me” God created. After a long recovery, God and I decided to use my story/experiences to help others avoid the pain of burnout, over-working, perfectionism and people-pleasing. God offers me “relief” in the midst of imperfection and I wanted to share it with others.

Q: How can a God-loving woman tell if she’s trying-too-hard?
A: Here’s a clue that she’s headed down the over-trying/over-working/over-helping path to exhaustion: Her self-talk sounds like “I must. . .” or “I should. . .” or “I have to. . . .” For instance: My husband must agree with me and I with him, if we really love one another.” “I should host the neighborhood Bible Study this fall.” “I have to weigh the same thing I did when I entered college.” “My kids must make the honor roll every time.”

Q: Many of my readers are moms. If you could go back and give your young-mom-self one piece of advice, what would it be?
A: Hmmm. When I remember the “zombie” days of babies, toddlers and endless activities, I think I’d say: ask for the help you need and release yourself from doing it all, even if someone else pushes you. Okay, one more thing: your kids don’t have to be perfect. What is perfect, anyway? Each one has a unique personality with different needs, desires and talents. Allow yourself, your mate and your child to make mistakes. Yet, without a doubt, the single most important and loving thing you can do for your children is to deal with your own past pain and current problems, and grow yourself spiritually and emotionally. Of course, this includes growing your relationship with Jesus.

Q: How did your husband and children handle your transition away from perfectionism? I imagine the whole family has to embrace the idea that their mom/wife is not perfect.
A: Well, since I changed our entire family system, it was difficult—a messy process. At first I had to step out of my comfort zone and share my needs, hurts, desires, and boundaries. I had to say (and then follow it up with action) that I would no longer be a doormat. For I was giving up my life in order to make life easy for them. In the meantime, I missed becoming who God wanted me to be and doing what He wanted me to do. So in order to be God’s woman, I had to admit I wasn’t perfect and couldn’t do it all. It took a while for my husband and me to adjust to the new life. But it was one of the best things we did for our children. Later, my daughter told me that my courage in dealing with this gave her permission to deal with her anorexia. After watching me change, she knew it would not be impossible to change herself.

Thanks, Joan, for writing this book, giving hope to those of us who struggle with this issue.


Click here to see the full schedule of the 'It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life' blog tour.

We'll be having a CONTEST!! And this book is the prize! Sign up for this blog to come to your email inbox whenever I post (I'll be counting email subscriptions only!) Or leave a comment between today and November 27th. I would especially like to know your thoughts on this issue... do you struggle with it? Are you an overcomer?

It's a Blog Tour!

I'm doing something new this month... a Blog Tour. I've never done one before so this is my first crack at it.

This is how it works... There is a list of all the blogs that will be posting a devotional from the book "It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life" that you can go to. From there you can click each day on the link and visit a beautiful blog and read from this book.

This blog has been chosen for November 12th. So if you want to get a bit of head-start on reading some of the great posts, you can start by clicking on some of the links below:

Want What You Have

Real Hurts, Real Hope

Women By Grace

Prayerfully Penned

And while you are visiting these other wonderful ladies, why don't you leave a note of encouragement... If they love comments as much as I do, it would probably make their day!

I won't tell you exactly what the topic will be on November 12th... but I think you'll enjoy it. And I hope to have a bit of an interview on here with the author.

Who knows? This might be the start of another contest... (I said might...)

Cow Pies

John Piper has an interesting and well-thought out video exerpt on Marriage and cow pies. What he says is that our sins, idiosyncrasies, weaknesses, etc are like cow pies in our marriage. It’s a vivid imagery, for sure!

What came to mind as I watched his video, is that when we walk through a field where there are cow pies, you hardly ever walk freely, with your head high and your eyes on the sky. Rather, your head is down, eyes constantly searching for those stinky, messy piles. Instead of enjoying the beauty all around, the company of a loved one, or the joy of silence, we train our eyes for brown spots not to step in.

Being a Married Single Mom may very well be a cow pie in your life. Actually, it may actually be a few of them! So are your husband’s sins, misunderstandings, failures, and sins of omission. But isn’t it incredible how quickly those things come to mind when you think of him?

If anyone ever asks how your marriage is, most people respond with ‘Great!’ Who wants others to know how things really are? However, it gets your brain going, doesn’t it? Soon you find yourself listing all the things you wouldn’t tell them, or that they just wouldn’t believe. Perhaps you go another step and begin rehearsing how you would say certain things. Or you might even practice what you might say to your dear man when you get home (or when he does) that would ‘kick’ your marriage back into shape so that you could honestly answer next time that your marriage is ‘Great!’

The truth for many women, most women is that our marriages are a lot better than we believe they are. Our husbands are NOT out to get us. Our husbands are NOT working away from home because they don’t like us. Our husbands are NOT leaving all the work for us because they think we have nothing else to do.

Instead our husbands are working and living out of their weakness, sin, failures and childhood training.

Just like we are.

Sure, our hubbies contribute a few cow pies to our marriages. But how many have we added?

Do you like to be in control?
Are you upset when the house isn’t cleaned just perfectly? Or the bed made just so?
Do you demand respect while yelling at him?
Do you talk behind his back?
Do you pretend to be asleep, too tired, sick, or whatever, when he wants to be amorous?
Do you nag (perhaps like your mother did)?
Do you complain about him, his likes, dislikes or his job?
Are you unsatisfied with his income?
Have you ever insinuated that he’s not as strong a Christian as you are?

Those are only a few cow pies that wives often add to the field of their marriages. Perhaps, instead of keeping our heads down trying not to step in them, we should keep our eyes open for our own… so that we can keep our marriages clean of such filth.

More than anything, though, we should regularly be on the lookout for the bright sky, luscious fields of green, brilliant patches of flowers, with our heads up, eyes wide open instead of searching for all of our husband’s droppings.

Are you enjoying the view today? Or are you busy hop-scotching over cow pies?

And the Winner is......

Congratulations to LAURA!! She's the winner of the October contest. She will be receiving a signed copy of Bonnie Grove's book Talking to the Dead in the mail shortly.

It's a Battle Out There

I was recently reading through a series of comments left on a blog at another site – all of Married Single Moms (and a few Dads) who are in this situation. They’ve named this situation ‘FLASM’ – Feel Like A Single Mom.

What struck me were what people said about their situations and the advice they handed out so freely in their comments. Overall, the consensus was that leaving a marriage to truly be a single mom was easier than being a Married Single Mom. There was only ONE comment in the many which indicated that it was easier in some areas but harder in others.

I believe that the state of homes where Married Single Moms live are a battle ground. Satan is prowling around like a lion looking for someone to devour. Lions don’t look for the healthy one in the middle of a healthy pack. They keep their eye open for the one left alone. The tired one. The one whose already run too long.

A Married Single Mom who never thought she’d ever think about the ‘D’ word (divorce) finds herself one day wondering, ‘Would it be a better option?’

The ‘lion’ has made his first strike.

I have been taking a survey (please click on the link above, and if you haven’t yet filled it out, I’d love it if every Married Single Mom would) and one of the questions asks if due to your husband’s absence, have you ever considered that your marriage would end in divorce. I haven’t been surprised to see that so far, almost 50% say that at least at some point, this has been a consideration.

That’s almost half of you. It once was me. I was convinced there was no other way to contentment, happiness, and less stress. By reading the comments at the other blog it was almost everyone that commented.

It’s so difficult to take care of a marriage when there’s plenty of time to be had together. It’s next to impossible to do when you are rarely in the same place at the same time. Choices, addictions, careers, children, and finances all play a part in the health of a marriage. Not being together except on occasion makes it so difficult to actually ‘get to the bottom’ of any difficult topic.

God made marriage between a man and a wife to last until death separates them. Healthy families raise healthy children who are more likely to have healthy marriages and more healthy children. Well-adjusted, healthy, stable kids are also more likely to be involved in fighting against injustice and are much more prone to be involved in politics at some level – often fighting for the rights of parents, children and families.

Is there any wonder Satan would choose your family?

If he can tear you apart from your husband, the enemy knows that the chance of being able to tear your children’s marriages apart are even greater. If you and your children have a ‘chip on your shoulder’, unforgiveness and unhealed wounds in your heart he knows that he can pull you away from the One who can restore it all.

If you are a Married Single Mom you are a target. I wish I didn’t have to tell you that. My guess, though, is that you already feel it.

It’s time to take ground yourself, and put yourself in a safer place. Surround yourself with friends and family who will give you support, prayer and encouragement on a regular basis. Take time for your marriage. Build up what God has given you, even if it seems so weak today. Take care of yourself – rest, eat well, exercise and laugh. See a biblical woman counsellor who will keep you accountable to your marriage and making it all it can be. Your marriage is under attack… don’t lay down and die. Get up and fight!

Perhaps you are not a Married Single Mom. I know for a fact that there are men and women reading this blog who are NOT MSM’s. I’m glad you are here. You have a crucial role to play.

Men – take the kids out in the backyard after your family has shared dinner with theirs and play ball, push them on swings, roughhouse a little, and get dirty with them. These kids need to know how a man plays. They need to hear a man tell them they did well, or that with a little practice it will get easier.

Friends, families and churches – keep your eyes open. A married single mom is the last person you should ask to serve in the nursery at church! She desperately needs to have someone give her a break for that hour and have a chance to drink a cup of coffee while it’s hot and have some adult input into her life. She doesn’t need you to ask if there’s anything you can do.

Just do it.

Show up at her house with a week’s worth of pre-made freezer meals so that she can get a little extra rest or a few extra cuddles in with the kids before dinner.

Take her kids home after church so she can rest, nap, read, go out for coffee, or do whatever until you bring them home.

Offer one day a week where you watch the kids so she can buy groceries, visit the doctor, run errands or nap. If you can’t do the watching, pay a babysitter to do it.

Invite her to your family events. A mom home alone with kids is never going to cook a turkey dinner at Thanksgiving. And although a few moms will go all out for dinner-time meals, most are sustained on chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, and a few cans of soup.

Offer a quiet understanding. Don’t tell her you know how she feels unless you genuinely do… and then be careful about it! If she’s making decisions differently than you would, it might be for reasons you cannot understand, or don’t know the whole story to. If her decisions are not outside of the moral law of Christ, then support and humbly try to understand.

And whatever you do… never, NEVER, NEVER tell her that her husband doesn’t have his priorities right, speak negatively about him, or give her suggestions on what she should do to ‘bring him home’ (unless of course she directly asks you for your opinion).

Always pray. Her home is a battle field. Will you be her advocate or her adversary?

Last Chance! Enter Now!

Today is the last day of my give-away and by entering you can win this book:



Here are the details on how to enter:

1. Leave a comment on any post in October.
2. Send me a suggestion via email for a topic you’d like to see covered on the blog.
3. Invite others to subscribe to the blog. Just have them leave a comment saying YOU invited them – that way you both get an entry!
4. Subscribe to the blog and have it come to your inbox every time a new blog is posted.

Come back Monday to see who the winner is!